Twenty Moons

First disbelief, and hurt.

Rage joined and stayed, stoked by another.

                                                                                                            Why did you stop loving me?
Was anything real?
You were my happily ever after and I was nothing to you?

    

Resignation and despair: happiness existed only in fairy tales.

                                                           

Do you even notice I’m gone?
Do you miss me?
Did you see the moon tonight?

Moons pass.

Abandoned heart surrendered to ego – flattery and attention

Even then denying forever.

Actively refuting “in love.”

Ashamed that ego overruled heart and mind.

                                                                                                                            Where are you?                                                              I so want to call. I can’t call.

It’s not fair, to ask for help from you.

Mom’s sick, and I feel so alone.

What if you don’t answer? What if you do answer, and it’s just sympathy, but you don’t really care?

What if you have someone else who is your happy ever after, since it wasn’t me after all? What if?  

 

Constant battling and badgering. Checked – out, shutting down, emotional reserves depleted.

Eighteen moons.

Death.

Tenuous connection disintegrates entirely; Just Leave Me Alone.

Mourning death.

That Name in messages.


                                                                                                                          Surprised, grateful. Mustn’t admit the longing, casual questions
(probably not) questions to mutual friends,
the aching void of these past eighteen moons.
Perhaps just being polite and gracious.

 

Nineteen moons.

In Person.

Hugs and conversation, one topic rolling into another.

Laughter, that smile.

A touch.


Don’t be a dolt and embarrass yourself.
Cool is Not in your vocab, eh?
Breathe. Just be.  Passion stirs.
No. Must stop.

                                                                                                                                Lessons learned? What is essential?
Love. Autonomy. Fidelity. Honesty. Passion.
Can these co-exist? Can I trust?
Can I risk losing again?
Am I strong enough?

Twenty moons.

I wonder.                                                                                                         

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