Month: April 2019

First disbelief, and hurt.

Rage joined and stayed, stoked by another.

                                                                                                            Why did you stop loving me?
Was anything real?
You were my happily ever after and I was nothing to you?

    

Resignation and despair: happiness existed only in fairy tales.

                                                           

Do you even notice I’m gone?
Do you miss me?
Did you see the moon tonight?

Moons pass.

Abandoned heart surrendered to ego – flattery and attention

Even then denying forever.

Actively refuting “in love.”

Ashamed that ego overruled heart and mind.

                                                                                                                            Where are you?                                                              I so want to call. I can’t call.

It’s not fair, to ask for help from you.

Mom’s sick, and I feel so alone.

What if you don’t answer? What if you do answer, and it’s just sympathy, but you don’t really care?

What if you have someone else who is your happy ever after, since it wasn’t me after all? What if?  

 

Constant battling and badgering. Checked – out, shutting down, emotional reserves depleted.

Eighteen moons.

Death.

Tenuous connection disintegrates entirely; Just Leave Me Alone.

Mourning death.

That Name in messages.

                                                                                                                          Surprised, grateful. Mustn’t admit the longing, casual questions
(probably not) questions to mutual friends,
the aching void of these past eighteen moons.
Perhaps just being polite and gracious.

 

Nineteen moons.

In Person.

Hugs and conversation, one topic rolling into another.

Laughter, that smile.

A touch.

Don’t be a dolt and embarrass yourself.
Cool is Not in your vocab, eh?
Breathe. Just be.  Passion stirs.
No. Must stop.

                                                                                                                                Lessons learned? What is essential?
Love. Autonomy. Fidelity. Honesty. Passion.
Can these co-exist? Can I trust?
Can I risk losing again?
Am I strong enough?

Twenty moons.

I wonder.                                                                                                         

This is my first Easter with no familial obligations. No parents to call or visit. Folks checked in; others invited me to Easter brunch/ lunch/ dinner. I couldn’t do the so-sorry-how-are-you things.

Struggle with the sympathy invite. Think it’s meant to be nice, but I hear “Never asked you over before but heh, pretty pathetic you’ve no family and have nobody, wanna come to my place? It’s been almost two months, you need to pull yourself together.”

Amidst all the holiday noise and angst (real and imagined, I admit), someone unexpectedly invited me to breakfast. Breakfast turned into a day – filled with laughter and tears, comfort and caring.

I don’t know if the timing was purposeful Or serendipitous. If words said were real or fleeting. I don’t know much. But I do know I am grateful that today, for a few hours, grief was set aside and my heart stopped hurting.

She splashed about the creek silently, stunning in her stealth.

Moon’s reflection.

Kayaking – peaceful, often solitary. Paddling, appreciating nature when SUDDENLY a powerboat screams past, assaulting the quiet, spewing a huge rollicking wake. Fight it, tense and angry? Breathe, and paddle into it head-on?

Yesterday, I fought – clenched, tight, outraged – emotion roiled a tenuous calm. Resenting these new roles, and responsibilities. Aching with loss. Disappointed with my inability to navigate new waters without losing control.

“Point the front into the wake” – words from a lifetime ago. Took a while to do – to face the turbulence, to admit being overwhelmed, to give voice to grief, to risk the exposure. Different voices, similar messages. Still upright.

So, today, I paddle into the emotion – rolling with heartache, remembering joy. Feeling the wind, seeing beauty. Reaching inward to the person I aspire to be. And so very grateful.

Riding the wake, eyes to the sky.

He’s a lumbering sort of fellow, slightly hunched, always tense.

During the last six weeks, we’ve spent more time together than the previous 10 years, including around our father’s death.

Two consecutive evenings, he has found his way here. Finally comfortable, he settles into the recliner, raids the chocolate stash, and waxes philosophical on topics from his profession and mine.

Neither of us stated the date or time, but he seemed to linger until a bit after 8:36. As if we could stop her death from being real.

In six weeks since That Night, two more have died, one has gone into hospice for pancreatic cancer, and still another abandoned all hope for freedom at a newly delivered death sentence. Just in my little world.

Trying really hard to breathe, to will my heart to slow and heal.

Six weeks and four hours.

Night sky – ribbons of deep violets and indigo. Sparkle of moonlight. Silhouettes of budding trees and silos in the distance.

Home. Clear and dark. Moon leans in closer now. Stars! Twinkling and beaming.

Waxing crescent. Cool spring night.

Infinite iterations of Quiet enshroud the night – comforting, suffocating, pondering.

Whispering winds through new spring growth, whirring of the refrigerator celebrating a sparkling kitchen, soft, steady breathing of a wee chihuahua.

Unspoken disappointment and anger, universe of silent electronics, fear.

Questioning, grieving, dreaming.

The Quiet provides respite from Busy, Important Things.

In the quiet, Grief expands and contracts – feeling Loss, Gratitude, Unfinished.

And tonight, wondering when Quiet will be my Always.

This afternoon was beautiful.

Windows and doors open, welcoming spring breezes.

Pups and I put on our gear. We made it to the Second big tree by the horse pasture, without barking at the horses! And, I even closed all three rings afterwards, with the help of Sting and a Brand New Day.

After dinner, as Gabby and I were snuggling on the sofa; “I haven’t called Mom yet.”

No. Air.

Can’t. Breathe.

Sounds. What is that sound?

Sobbing… gasping for air. Heart breaking, again.

For just a little while, the world was as before, and it was a lie. Like lovers who claim forever, it was a lie.

Shards of love, trails of heartache.

Just. Breathe.