St. Paddy’s Day

Just two years ago you were fretting over the corned beef being salty, timing the side dishes, and questioning if the table was set properly.

Mrs. G. came over this afternoon “because I thought you might be lonely.” Jules and Diz called to make sure I’m okay. Remember her mom / last parent died just 6 months ago, so she understands.

I’m sad. I miss talking to you – swapping updates re the daffodils, Milo’s antics, whatever trivia drifts into the conversation.

Time to myself and Jameson’s might have been ill -considered. But at some point I just need to feel the feels, cry, and all the things, or so I’ve heard.

I’m sorry for all the times I disappointed or hurt you. I wonder if you knew you were loved.

Then again, our family was never very loving. (And then there was that time that y’all disowned me.) Consequently, I never trusted that anyone loved me, and experience has cemented that distrust.

I need to make a schedule and stick with it. Feel as if am more scattered than ever, and worry that I’m going under. Today I thought of drinking until I could sleep a dreamless sleep, of calling out from work tomorrow, of just shutting down everything for a day.

But I’m afraid that there will be no reboot,that icon will spin endlessly. That one day will blur into multiple days, without return.

Instead, will throw another log on, tap out a few more emotions to drift without witnesses or words, and pretend that I’m good. All better. No worries.

No one’s left; I can play my role.

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